- Hannah Slater
- Feb 7
- 17 min read
Hey, y'all, it's Hannah Slater here, your host of Girl Chat! This week, we are going to talk about a topic y'all have asked me about, so we are going to address it and jump into it today because I think I am ready for it. Let's talk about how I knew I was at rock bottom and what I did to get out of rock bottom and change my life. Before we get fully into this blog, I am not sure how long this blog will be or if it will need to be in parts, and I am not sure we can cover both topics in one blog/episode! But I will just start and see where we go! Here we go...
First, let's talk about how I knew I was at rock bottom. I will be super honest with you: Looking back, I did not know I was at rock bottom until I was several months into it. I believe my rock-bottom journey started last November. That is when I started breaking out in Eczema and dermatitis, that is when holidays were approaching, and I was super stressed about my personal life, how to make everyone happy, where we were going for holidays, end of the year, store flips, inventory, all of that jazz and that's when there was no more joy in the holidays or the holiday season.
Then, I was still stressed out once we got past the holidays. I did not find joy in anything anymore, and as we moved into January, there was a lot of stress. My family and I went on a trip for about a week and a half. While we were on that trip, I started to realize things I was worried about were still happening; there was a lot of jealousy, a lot of not trusting me, and a lot of unnecessary fights when I was on vacation. We were in Exuma, Bahamas; It is definitely not a tourist town by any means. I was just in a house with my family, and there were just a lot of fights and so many things going on that I couldn't understand.
Once we got home, everyone knows Valentine's is my favorite holiday; I love it. I think it's so magical, and as a florist, I get to be a part of so many other people feeling so special and loved, so it's a really beautiful time. Following Valentine's, my birthday is at the end of the month, so there was a lot to look forward to in February. I was still SO stressed out, but it had nothing to do with work, so I knew that was a pivotal change; I realized all the stress was not work-related, and I couldn't blame my stress level on work anymore. Instead, it was affecting my work and making it stressful because there was always an argument about what I did, the days that I worked, how often I worked, and what I did for work; it was always an argument. And what I did for work was always an argument, and let me tell you guys that nothing about my job had changed from when I got into this relationship. When I started the relationship, I was a brand spanking new entrepreneur, you know, and at this point, I was a little over 2 years into it, and everything was the same, you know, There is still my passion. It was still my pride and joy. It's still my baby, but we got into February, and I just realized that work isn't my stressor. My home life is my stressor, so once February hit, I realized my house was not bringing me peace, joy, or comfort. Now, I say Say February is when I began to realize it, but my house was filled with anxiety long before February. I remember my first summer up here in August, so August 2023, where my mom was like you do know you have to go home, right, and I said, "I don't want to go home…." no part of me wants to go home. So my house that I had worked so hard for, that is me to a T, really just became draining, it became draining to walk into this door, it became draining to be in this space, and that was hard to process right like I did everything in my power to make my house feel special and to feel like home and to celebrate every holiday, I did my best to decorate it, to make sure that it was clean and to make sure all of this stuff was done. Still, It did not matter that I was doing all those things because it was not peaceful. Probably 2 weeks before Valentine's hit, a lot was going on. There was one situation that happened that frustrated me. We won't get into that just because it's unnecessary, but something that happened frustrated me. Instead of arguing or explaining why I was upset, I just said okay, and that's fine. We can change planes, no problem. Priorities were showing there, and I just said yes and let it go. After Valentine's Day, it was my birthday, and I've always been the person who celebrates your birthday; we have a party. I'll give you so many presents that I will decorate my house. My birthday is just another day, but I think it was a turning point for me last year. It was a terrible day; some things happened earlier in the day. My mom and dad dropped me off a couple of random things at work, which was jealousy there; once I got home from work, I had to go get the groceries for my birthday dinner, and a couple of things happened at the grocery store. Are we even doing so the first one was I now I don't drink at all before last year I would have a couple drinks here and there and it was not necessary because I wanted them but it was more to please him drinking was a big part of his life ,and not mine at all I mean I didn't drink in college it's just not I've just never really liked it and so I didn't have any alcohol in my house for my birthday, he wanted to drink but he didn't he did not want to buy it, he did not want to spend the money on the drink that he wanted at the grocery store, so that was fight number one, And then I like to say I'm a child that heart, I wanted I make Whole30 almond flour homemade chicken nuggets that I really like and then my other request was that I wanted homemade Mac & cheese, I eat very very clean so I like to try to manipulate recipes into my clean eating and so there's already fight number one that happened in the grocery store and the second fight was we're talking about what cheese we wanted on my mac and cheese and I have learned that garlic gives me a really upset tummy it makes me feel really nauseous, so I was just like like normal cheese and was garlic and cheese, and y'all I didn't even know garlic cheese existed and I was like “I don't really want garlic mac and cheese you know I know it gives me an upset tummy and I don't really want to have an upset tummy tonight” and when I said that he said “why am I even with you” and I was like yeah "I don't know why are you" (we all know why he was with me… he had it way to good…) and so that for me I was like yeah why are you even with me I don't know why you're with me… on my birthday, in the middle of Marketplace in Hayward, Wisconsin and I think at that point I knew that this was never ever going to work out (nothing about me could ever be celebrated) I think before that moment, I was having a lot of hope, and I was having a lot of things that would change, and I was still saying, he's the one, and then he came back a while later, and he said, “you know, I was just kidding" I'm like it didn't feel like you were kidding you said it to me dead in my eyes with a straight face that did not feel like a joke, you didn't laugh, you didn't smirk nothing and now you're telling me two hours later that it was just a joke… I don't know. I wouldn't joke like that with somebody, especially in the situation that we were in… so I think my birthday was a pivotal point. There were so many more things that happened that night that we aren't going to get into because it's not necessary, but my birthday sucked. I think that my eyes opened at that point, that nothing was going to change, so I knew I knew at that point that my happiness was completely gone, my joy was completely gone. Nothing brought me joy, and my house was stressing me out. I hated being in the space, and nothing made me happy.
So then March came along, and nothing had changed. I was still really stressed out. There were a couple of things that had happened, and we had a trip coming up that was around Easter. We were getting ready to go to Disney; you bet I had a new wardrobe picked out. I was excited, and while I was getting my new wardrobe for Disney, I realized how much my body had changed. I struggled at this point with weight fluctuation, so when I finished Nationals, I was at a pretty healthy weight. I was eating very clean, but I was still doing all of that, and I had gained an excessive amount of weight, and when I say excessive, I mean I went from a pant size of two to an eight. I had to order new pants because the ones I had been wearing no longer fit me. The smalls that I was comfortable in, in my t-shirts, didn't even come close to being comfortable. And that was in 2 months, that my weight had jumped that much while I was still taking care of what I thought was taking care of my body and exercising and all of these things, but your body will tell you when you're not meant to be in something so now not only am I breaking out with Eczema and dermatitis but I had insane weight fluctuation, that was terrifying so that was another huge sign that I knew that I was at Rock Bottom.
Okay, now let's get into our trip. At this point, I knew my heart and head were almost on the same page. This was the first time I sat down, talked to God, and said, "Hey God, we're about to go on this trip. You know if X, Y and Z happened, then I know that you're telling me that I need to leave, I know that this is not meant for me if you give me the signs that was" the first time I talked to God and I felt silly about it I didn't it just felt awkward to me and I wasn't sure if he was listening right before this I didn't have a relationship with God or church or anything like that and I remember my mom saying "I don't know if Hannah is falling into this relationship or out" and I remember telling everyone "I know this relationship isnt meant for me but I really did not know if I was strong enough to leave and there's a lot of things that made me that were keeping me to stay so one of the big things sounds crazy saying it now but summer very first day it was always my life partner in my head I never really called him my boyfriend it was always my significant other my life partner from our first date we talked about forever about kids and so from the instant I met him you know like really met him it was all about our future, my life partner and I knew that in May of 2023 that he had the local jeweler get my engagement ring in and I absolutely want my ring to be for my local jeweler. We argued about two days after it came in, and he had shown me he had got my custom ring. Whenever there was an argument, it would be, "I have a ring for you, and of course, I think you're forever. I have a ring for you." All of this stuff, right? Then, right before my next part happened, one of our fights was that you don't even ask about your ring. I'm like, I shouldn't know that you have a ring for me like that is not something that you be you hold over somebody's head, but I knew he had a ring for me, it was what I thought I wanted…. So That was a big reason I stayed… after talking to God, you know I was XYZ happen then I know.
I was trying to get ready to go to Disney with a new wardrobe and Disney nails. I was super excited; we had an early morning flight, so we stayed at the hotel right outside Minneapolis airport. We went to dinner, and dinner was completely fine. He had two drinks. It was a great time. Everybody knew that I was so excited, you know, I was going to my five-year-old cousin, my cousin, seven-year-old cousin at that time, and so so so so so excited when we walked back up to our room because we had our room it was the quickest and scariest shift that I had ever witnessed now would happen before they had happened several times before but never this quick in and out of this. It was a completely different person, and he said we needed to figure out our future before leaving this hotel room. We need to know when we're getting engaged, we need to know all of this stuff, and I was like, wait, pause, we could have this conversation at any point at my house every single night, you know we can have this conversation time at any other time, especially when he had two very strong drinks, I could smell the alcohol off his breath so at that point, there were so many terrible things said to me that I will never repeat out loud that I cannot imagine speaking to another human. I told my Mom and Dad two things once: I went to their hotel room while he was in the shower. I just left the room, and those words scared me, but I will never repeat them. It was terrifying to see how quickly that shift happened, so that was my number one sign because everywhere we went, everywhere I went, there was always a fight. It didn't matter if he was with us or if he wasn't. There was always a fight, so my sign number one was that it was a fight, and we hadn't even left yet. At that moment, I knew God was listening to me. I knew that I had to make this change. I knew that when we got back home, this was over. I got a hotel room, there was a different person there, and I just completely shut down. He kept nagging and nagging and nagging and nagging and nagging, and I said, "You knew the person that you were getting in a relationship with everything I told you upfront is who I am and who I am to this day. My morals are all the same. My values are all the same." Now they're just even heightened, and I am the person that I had always told you I was, but this conversation can wait until we get home because you're not gonna decide in Disney; nothing was gonna change right that minute, so I knew at that point, but we were going on a trip together, I think at that point it was solidified for me, and I knew God was with me.
One of the most insane things happened while we were on our plane. When I put my AirPods in, they are never actually playing music. I have to physically press play anytime I put my AirPods in. However, this time, once I put my AirPods in a song that I had never even heard before, I downloaded a song I had never even researched before; the song was called Narcissist.... My AirPods have never started to play. I have always had to press play physically for a song to pop up like that, which I had never researched or heard before. I was shocked. I was fighting back tears, and at that point, I was like, well, it's undeniable that God is listening to me.
Undeniably, this is just another sign, so that was sign number two, and I said, OK, I OK. While we were on our trip, it was just really uncomfortable. A couple of other things happened that I specifically asked God about, for they were very accurate, and we won't get into either because it's just the things that had always been happening. I had just been used to it, but it made his priorities very clear, so we got home from our trip. He asked if we could sit and talk, and I said absolutely. What day works for you? You know that he's at my house every night. We got home on a Sunday or Monday, and he wanted to stay until Saturday; God was still listening to me, and God was showing me the most significant things I asked for priorities and commitment, and those things made it so clear to me that I was neither priority and neither commitment to him. So many things happened that week that I was like, holy cow, who am I? Where did I go? What am I in the middle of, and how do I get out of this? I remember very vividly I locked myself in the bathroom, and I was bawling my eyes out. I was so sick I was throwing up, and there was nothing in my system, but my stomach was so upset. My head was pounding. I was hyperventilating (while getting yelled at, "Why are you even crying?" "You are too emotional," "That never even happened"). That's when I knew that I hated everything. I know hate is a big word, but I hated who I was; I hated who I was looking at in the mirror. It just wasn't me. It wasn't Hannah. I lost my spark; I lost my color. I was wearing baggy clothes, so I avoided any comment about what I was wearing or who I was dressing for, even though it was always just for myself. I just wore my hair in messy buns so that there was no comment that I was doing my hair for somebody at work. Everything I took pride in was gone, and I realized it.
And that week, I was like, I know that I need to make a big change. Knowing this was not meant for me, I knew I needed to walk away. I understand that this is not my forever. This is not what it is. This is not how you're supposed to be treated, and this is not what a healthy relationship looks like, so realizing that I didn't like who I was, I wasn't happy anymore. I also made the biggest decision to walk away. I will tell you this: walking away was the easiest thing I did on this journey, and I say that because choosing myself every single day has been so hard, but if you don't choose yourself, who's gonna make a difference, no one is, you have to be the one to turn your life around.
I had my incredible family back right next to me this whole time, every step with me like they were. They knew that I was well before I did. They knew that my peace and joy were gone before I did. They knew I hated my house, and it brought me anxiety. Well, before I did, they realized the Hannah they knew was gone way before I did. I just told them that this was the day he wanted to talk, and they knew what I was bringing to the table. I was walking away so they knew what was happening. And that he was actually asking me to officially move back in. He had been at my house for two hours and wanted to watch the show. I was like, you should have a conversation you wanted to have, and he wanted to move back in. I was officially moving at that point. He was already at my house most of the week unless he was drinking, so Thursday. Friday, Saturday in the area where he wasn't at my home, or if he did come those days or those late or like in the wee hours in the morning, so I didn't think it was gonna change anything, you know because my house still didn't bring me peace and joy so I knew that was gonna change because he was already living with me.
I just said I had asked for some things to change that have not changed and are (respect, commitment, honesty); therefore, our reasons are that I don't think I can move forward in this, and four hours of just back-and-forth. I was like, no, like I'm done, and I said for the first time ever out loud that I'm not happy and haven't been happy for a really long time. I never said those words out loud or wrote them down. I thought I had never verbally said anything like that; he begged me to have one more night together, and I had the mindset of, no, I can't do that to myself from here on out. It's me, and he begged. But I knew I couldn't do that to myself. I knew that this was gonna be a long battle to get back to who I was; I knew that everything was just downhill. I knew I looked in the mirror and didn't know who I was. I didn't like who she was. I wasn't proud of myself. I wasn't proud of Silver Star. That is when I knew I was at rock bottom, and it had nothing to do with leaving the relationship. That is not why I was at rock-bottom I was. I was at rock bottom because of the relationship that I was in.
That is a long story about how I knew I was at rock bottom. Things did not go how I wanted them to. Walking away was the easiest thing I did. It was really hard to realize that I had planned my future with a fake person, a person I thought would be my forever. The person I thought would have babies with the person I was.. with wasn't real; that is a huge part of healing and growing. This is gonna sound weird, but you have to grieve even if that person is still alive, so for me, I had to grieve the life that I thought I was gonna have, even though it was terrible. Still, the person that I thought was my forever, and for me, one of the hardest things was realizing all this is realizing that the person I fell in love with, the person that I had planned my life with, wasn't real. It was a fake person to get me. It was faking ambition and goals to get me because my life intrigued them. My life goals were intriguing, but at the end of the day, those things intimidated him. It's pretty crazy that the things that he fell in love with me for, my ambition and my goals, were two things that he ended up hating me for. Once, he walked out of my house for the last time. I felt the weight lifted off my shoulder. That night was the first night I had slept in a long time. That night, I just felt like I could breathe again. It's a pretty crazy thing to witness and to be in and process, but it was necessary for me to walk away. I needed to make that change, and I think I got all of that part of how I knew I was at rock bottom about my story but also about walking I think I think next week will talk about how I overcame rock bottom and what I did there, and
I want to say that this is all a very quick glimpse at what I was going through. It has never been my intention to say anything negative about anybody or anything like that. I am speaking about the things that happened to me. I'm telling the things that were said to me. I am speaking about things that I experienced and that I went through so that if somebody else is reading or listening, they know that they're not alone, but it's a very quick glimpse at what my two years actually were.
There are a lot of things I will never say out loud. There are a lot of things that I won't relive. There are a lot of things that I will just kind of out the window. Although it was really important to my story and how I got here, it's not important for the world to know all of the terrible things that happened or all the terrible things that were said so that you might be thinking about Hannah; you didn't go through a lot of it; it wasn't that bad. This is a very quick loop at what I went through. This is a very quick briefing of what my two years looked like. I am not going into anything about my day-to-day or anything like that at this point, but if you were going through something like this. So if people are saying that if there is someone saying someone has it worse than you, or it's not that bad, or you're making something out of nothing or anything along those lines, you're too emotional or anything like that. I know exactly what it feels like to be in your shoes, and I am here for you. I promise you that if you decide to better yourself, it is worth it, and yeah, that's how we will end today. It might be an abrupt ending, but the following week will talk about how I got out of rock bottom, the steps I took to be who I am today, and all that.
Thanks for tuning in, y'all!
XOXO,
Hannah Slater
