The Start of Rock Bottom....

Hey, y'all. It's Hannah Slater here, your host of Girl Chat. Welcome to another Girl Chat Blog. This week, we will talk about how wonderful the holidays are and how extremely challenging they can be.

First, I apologize if this week's blog/episode seems choppy. I have re-recorded and re-wrote this week's post serval times because, honestly, I am scared. I know I have said it before, but it is really scary to be vulnerable and open my heart. I know that so many people can relate to extremely challenging holidays.

Before jumping into my story, I want to talk about the incredible holiday season in Hayward, WI. As many of you know, I have a small business called Silver Star Market, which is located in the heart of Hayward on Main Street. During December, many events take place, like a hot chocolate crawl, Santa, and sleigh rides, making Hayward feel like a Hallmark movie. It is truly a magical place with so much beauty and joy here. I also have an incredible family, my support system, who make the holidays even more special.

Okay, let's rewind to last year, November.

This is when my rock bottom journey started, but I didn't know it then.

About a week before NAM Nationals, my parents were out of the country. I was making the last of my holiday food boxes and in the final stages of prep for Nationals. My significant other, who at that time I thought was my life partner, moved out of my house because I had asked him to; it was time. Silly words were said to me, like, "I'll start a war with you because my last name means something." Some harsh words were said to me, some that I can't even imagine saying to another human, and some that I will never actually say out loud. One week before, I wanted to capture my dream title. One week before I left for the opportunity of life, a goal that I had been working so hard for.

At Nationals and honestly preparing for nationals last year, I could never entirely focus on my goals. I could only focus on my relationship, how I ended up in an emotionally abusive, toxic, manipulative relationship, and how I could have let this happen to me. When I took the stage for evening gown, on Thanksgiving day, I was so caught up in what was happening here, in Hayward, rather than taking in a moment that I had been working so hard for. Instead, I was focusing on how devastated I was and how I was in a situation I never thought I would be in. An opportunity of a lifetime was spent focusing on how I could fix something that was never right in the first place.

When we got home from NAM Nationals, I noticed these spots all over my body. They kept getting worse, and I kept getting more of them. My lips had blisters all over them, and they burned. At the time, I thought my body was detoxing/reacting to all of the spray tan and makeup products. However, several months later, I found out that I had eczema and dermatitis around my lips due to dealing with high amounts of stress. Your body will tell you when you don't belong in something. Trust me, I learned the hard way.

Once December hit, I knew I had to start figuring out what the holidays would look like for my personal life and as a small business owner. I thought my significant other, and I would start our own traditions. It was our second Christmas together, and we both verbally talked about making our traditions, ultimately that didn't happen. At the time, it was tough for me to understand and process, especially because we had talked about these becoming the traditions we would share with our future kids. Anytime we tried to do something fun, it ended up in a fight, and I was miserable. We went up to Duluth to see Bentleyville, an incredible holiday light park; I spent the evening walking by myself and crying because yet another fight happened over how we would spend our holidays. While trying to figure out that part of my personal life, I was also trying to figure out how to be proud of being an entrepreneur, how to buy into SSM, the holiday season in Hayward, and how to make everyone happy. All while denying the reality of my relationship and what I now know was the beginning of rock bottom.

There was so much joy surrounding me, but I couldn't see it, and I couldn't feel it. Instead, I was meant with stress, much stress. I tried to ignore what was going on and created a false reality. By the time the holidays were actually here, I was over it. There was no Christmas spirit and no joy in wrapping presents. It wasn't magical when snow would fall. It was stressful trying to arrange plans with people who wouldn't take into consideration my schedule and people who didn't believe in my career. It was difficult to re-arrange my schedule to re-arrange again, for them to be still unhappy. It was even more challenging to attend events where it was made extremely clear that I was not welcome and they did not want me to be there. I was put in hard positions that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was hard to be surrounded by people who didn't believe in me, who didn't support me, who didn't see my purpose but instead would belittle me for my career path and the hobbies that I love, like pageantry.

My workload was (thankfully) heavy during the awkward time between Christmas and New Year's. Between year-end, counting inventory, flipping SSM store layout, and getting ready for Valentine's Day, I kept my mind busy. However, my family knew something was going on; they could see it significantly sooner than I could. I always did my best to surround myself with them to keep my spirits up, but I knew that I couldn't keep lying to them and myself. I, at some point, had to face reality. But I didn't for a couple of months. I used work as a distraction, but that would often lead to fights about the hours and days I worked. But I just wanted to make it past the holidays. I would do my best to spend as much time with my family, but ultimately, that led to even more arguments, even when I invited him to come with me. Fight after fight.

I knew that my eczema wasn't going away; I wasn't sleeping at night; I would fall asleep on the couch at night to avoid everything, but I could not actually sleep at night.

The holiday season was brutal. I lost my peace because I didn't find joy in the little things.

If you are having a hard time this holiday season, I understand.

I know what it feels like to be by people who don't believe in you.

I know what it feels like not to be welcomed but still have to show up.

I know how hard it is to try and make plans with others who do not care about your schedule or your career.

Please know that I am here for you.

I am here to tell you it can change. This holiday season looks completely different than last year. I am proud of my small business. I am surrounded by people who truly love me and want me to succeed. I see joy in everything now and have my peace back. I know my worth. The person I was 365 days ago is a completely different woman than I am today.

To be even more honest, my personal life was a mess way before last November. November was just the month that I finally saw that my accomplishments could never be celebrated with him, and who I am and what I did were constantly belittled or dismissed. The holidays were the start of a really dark place.

If you made it this far, thank you. This was just the start of a downward spiral, and this blog is just a very small glimpse of what I was going through.

We have plenty to chat about next week but until then

XOXO,

Hannah Slater